Friday, June 24, 2016

Hey Everyone, Taylor Swift Is Pretty Fake

In lieu of the newest Calvin Harris / Taylor Swift / Tom Hiddleston drama (see here) I thought I'd express my feelings on the infamous speed dater, Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift has been bothering me for so long I forgot what it's like to not hate everything she does.

But instead of writing about every little thing in detail, here is a list of why Taylor Swift is a fake celebrity.

1) She Was Born Rich


Everyone seems to have this idea that Swift became successful because of music. She didn't. The girl was raised by a dad who comes from a long line of Bank Presidents and her mother is a mutual fund marketing executive. Swift went to one public and four different private schools (Kindergarten, elementary, and high school) whilst also attending Berks Youth Theatre Academy and traveling regularly to Broadway for vocal and acting lessons.

2) Everyone In Nashville Turned Her Down


When she was young her mother flew them both out to Nashville to hand out demos to every recording agency.

And every single one turned her down.

3) Her Parents Paid To Have Her Signed


Her parents hired music manager Dan Dymtrow to get her into the market. Then, at 14 years old, still struggling to have her signed, the family moved to Nashville so that Dymtrow would have an easier time getting her gigs and finding someone who was eager enough to sign her.
(The house they moved into was a lakefront mansion in Henderson, Tennessee, which you can view here)

4) She Can't Sing (Or Dance)


Anytime Swift performs live it's either really bad or only somewhat bad because she's using an echo effect on the mic. There's nothing remotely good about it. It isn't raw or original. It's way over-rehearsed and just sounds like a normal everyday person singing. Even the studio versions all sound exactly the same. Like a robot. She never changes her vocals and it's always bland and safe. I hate it.

I don't think I have to explain why she can't dance.

5) She Hasn't Written A Song In Years


Back in her early days Swift wrote songs such as Love Story and Fifteen (there's a 90% chance she got help with these as well), which are pretty basic teenage material. It doesn't take a musical mastermind to write,

You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors
It's the morning of your very first day
You say "hi" to your friends you ain't seen in a while
Try and stay out of everybody's way
It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here
For the next four years in this town
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
"You know I haven't seen you around before

And since that time, Swift hasn't wrote anything. Swift goes into the studio, tells them she needs some new songs and hands them a big juicy cheque to get things started.
Want to know who actually writes the songs?

I Knew You Were Trouble - Max Martin + Shellback
Shake It Off - Max Martin + Shellback
Blank Space - Max Martin + Shellback
Bad Blood - Lamar + Max Martin + Shellback
Style - Max Martin + Shellback + Ali Payami

Remember how I mentioned an amazing songwriter named Max Martin in my earlier posts? Well he also happens to be one of Swift's lackeys.

The whole "only writing songs about ex-boyfriends" thing is a complete scheme. It was something people said years ago and she just went with it. It's a publicity stunt to get people to listen to the songs. People get interested because they think they're hearing her side of her relationships. They aren't hearing anything other than professional songwriters getting paid big money.

6) All Of Her Relationships Are For Publicity


Ever notice that everyone she has dated has been a big celebrity?

2008 - Joe Jonas
2009 - Taylor Lautner
2010 - John Mayer
2011 - Jake Gyllenhall
2012 - Connor Kennedy
2013 - Harry Styles
2015 - Adam Wiles (Calvin Harris)
2016 - Tom Hiddleston

Starting with teeny-bopper heartthrobs and working her way through older men and actual Kennedy's, Swift only dates people that will boost her celebrity status. Out of all of the many, many guys she's dated, have any of them been people you're unfamiliar with?
And she's covered all the bases: younger, older, political, musician, actor, british, etc etc.

She never seems to hide her relationships either, does she? It's always pretty public.

So Taylor, you're telling us that none of this has been pre-planned?

7) Other Celebrities Don't Like Her


"Watch out for Regina George in sheeps clothing" - Katy Perry

"You know Taylor Swift? You stay away from Michael J. Fox's son. She needs some me time to learn about herself." - Amy Poehler and Tina Fey

"This chick is full of sh*t" - Lady Gaga

"Kendall thinks Taylor’s too full of herself and a control freak" - Representative for Kendall Jenner

"She controlled the media and this situation. I had no idea what was going on. So that kind of makes it a lot worse from my perspective." - Calvin Harris


8) She's A Sellout


Everything she does is a form of selling out. Let's start with the looks: when she was younger, Swift was an advocate for being proud of her curly white-blonde hair, minimal makeup, and cowgirl-style attire. As of recently, you only ever see her with straightened dark blonde hair, thick makeup, and constant red-carpet glam everywhere she goes.

Now let's talk about the music. The girl always talked about how much she looooooooves country music and didn't want to do anything but country or country pop. When was the last time you heard Taylor Swift sing a freaking country song? 2011 maybe? 
Everything you hear now is Millennial Pop backing tracks paired with Max Martin and Shellback lyrics that have already been sitting in the studio for a while before Swift paid to have them.

Taylor Swift doesn't sing what she's passionate about, she sings whatever will make her money.


9) Her Fake Reactions To Getting Beat At Awards Shows



Every. Freaking. Time. she loses an award she badly pretends to be super excited for the person who won and tries to steal the spotlight by running up and giving them big hugs and waving her arms around the cameras before the person's even got up to the stage. The most infamous incident is when she lost a title to Ed Sheeran and started shrieking spastically. 

Really? You were that excited?




So there you go Miss Swift. I hope you feel accomplished having paid for a career.



Chelsea 




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