Monday, June 27, 2016

Question: Why Does Starbucks Only Play Certain Music?

Starbucks has two fanbases:

1) The 'Grammer Girls:

AKA The privileged, Instagram-obsessed, ugg-wearing, hair-straightened-to-the-point-of-no-return, boy-crazy, teenage girls.

2) The Black-Is-My-Happy-Color Girls:

AKA The indie-alternative, Tumblr-obsessed, converse-wearing, dyed-a-bright-rainbow-colored-hair, band-crazy, teenage girls.

And by "band crazy" I mean strictly fans of the following:

My Chemical Romance, Twenty One Pilots, The 1975, Fall Out Boy, Halsey, 5 Seconds From Summer, Pierce The Veil, Bring Me The Horizon, Sleeping With Sirens, and probably some other boy bands that I haven't delved deep enough into Tumblr to discover (you guys are f*cking weird man).

Then onto the Instagram-style girls, common musical interests include:

Beyoncé, Jason Derulo, Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, Drake, The Weeknd, Taylor Swift, Adele, Bruno Mars, and Meghan Trainor.

Let's get one thing straight: if you are a simple clear cut of either of these, I hate you a little bit.

It's nothing personal (well, it is), but drawing a line between the two and picking one in an act of rebellion against the other is just kind of irritating. I mean, can one not like The 1975 and The Weeknd?

Everyone's just trying to be so different that they all end up being exactly the same. Although one of you may have dyed ash-blonde hair and go to private school while the other only wears a steady stream of black clothes and multiple facial piercings, you're both the same. You're both trying so hard to fit into a genre of human that you forget that you don't have to be a type of person. Just because you like emo doesn't mean you can't also like pop. You can just be you. You can just like what you like, not what fits into a category.

Back on topic: Starbucks.

Now, considering you're catering to two very distinct forms of people, why is it that you only play the ballads of the basic b*tches? (AKA Biebs, Gomez, Swift, yada, yada, yada).

You guys are missing out on a whole clique (yes, that was a nod to the TØP heads like myself) of people. Do you know how many more frappuccino's you would sell if you played Fall Out Boy every 15 songs? The fangirls already like mochaccino's as it is, CAPITALIZE ON THAT SH*T.

Maybe even throw in some Independent Rock? Or 80s New Wave? Or 90s Grunge? (I'm stretching. Selfishly.)

This may be hard to believe, but there are teenage girls who don't fit into a category, but just like good music as a whole.

Also, I can't stand sitting here listening to that f*cking Hello bulls*t by Adele all day. I don't even like Pierce The Veil, but at least it's better listening to them than Style for the fiftieth God d*mn time.

So I'm begging you guys, mix it up for us in-betweeners out there. For the girls that are too basic to be alternative and too alternative to be basic. We like fappé's too.

Yours truly,


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