Monday, July 4, 2016

The Jonas's Are Running Out Of Song Titles

Oh the Jo-Bro's. The J-Team. The original #TeamJoesHotter / #TeamNicksHotter (let's face it, poor Kevin never won that battle).

I have some confessing to do.

When I was around 9 years old I developed a very unhealthy obsession with the Jonas Brothers. Not OMFG-HE'S-GOING-TO-HAVE-MY-BABIES type obsession, but for me, it was up there in the "unreasonable" category; I had the CD's, I had a favourite, I re-watched Camp Rock eight times a week, and I made my mom sit with me to watch every. single. episode. of the Jonas Brothers TV show "Jonas". (I'm so sorry Mom)

But a part of me always knew that one day they would disappear out of teeny-bopper stardom and I would easily move on. They would die out only to reappear in episodes of "Where Are They Now" thirty years later.

And I was happy with that. Because even at 9 years old, I knew that all boy bands must eventually die. Because humanity can only take so many of them.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. (Hey, I was 9, I had more hope for the world at that point. Cut me some slack.)

Two of the Jonas brothers have resurrected from the boy-band dead and made flabbergastingly undeserving comebacks.

It's just bad. Do I really even need to get into detail?... I will anyway.

The bad Millennial Pop music, the bad styles, the bad songs, the bad everything.

Let's start with Joe. Joe is kind of like that kooky 29 year old cousin that you hear weird stories about, who quit college, stopped worrying about bodily hygiene and formed a band on the campus of a school he doesn't actually go to, just sits outside on the lawn of to pick up girls (with no luck).

He's that guy. Sure you see him around sometimes and he can be funny in a dumb way once he's had a few beers, but nobody takes him seriously and he's obviously going through a mental crisis of his own volition.

But the worst part of all is this: He has a song called Toothbrush. F*cking Toothbrush.

The song is basically stating that the epitome of taking a relationship to a "serious level" is being "allowed" to leave your toothbrush at his place after a booty call.
And the video itself features Ashley Graham, literally just so he could get more recognition for it.

The song is bad, the singing is bad, the premise is bad, the video is bad, and everything about DNCE is bad, bad, bad.

Then we have Nick. Nick was always my favourite Jo-Bro.

Nick seems to be trying really hard. Like really, really, really hard. He's started to try and dress like he's a bad boy, in consistently all black and leather attire, and he tries to pull off "the look".

In case you don't know what "the look" is, here is the King of Bad Pop demonstrating it.

I'm sorry Nick, but you just can't. There's just something so childlike about Nick Jonas that nobody in their right mind will ever think he is the brooding bad-boy he is trying to play the part of.

The guy tripped on the f*cking sidewalk on James Cordens Carpool Karaoke.

You cannot trip on the f*cking sidewalk on a f*cking karaoke themed bit and be considered a "bad boy".

Never mind the Don't-Let-Me-Date-Your-Daughter facade, Nick's music is just yet another Zayn Malik copy-cat. The same whispered lyrics, the same badly written lyrics, the same bad pop instrumental, and the same faked-mysteriousness.

But the best part about Nick; the absolute best thing that has come out of Nick Jonas (and I put emphasis on the sarcasm here), is that he actually named a song Bacon.

And people liked it.

How you name a song after a breakfast food, with no good music, good premise, or non-autotuned vocals and still have people like it is beyond me.

Did Joe and Nick just get together one day and say "You know what, let's just go through an entire days worth of inanimate objects, make it reference girls, put some sh*tty music in the back and make songs out of it" and now they're starting with their mornings?

"Okay Nick, you do Bacon and I'll do Toothbrush and then in six months I'll do Turkey Sandwich and you can do Glass Of Water With A Slice Of Lemon" - Joe Jonas outside on a campus lawn

And Bacon doesn't even have a point. The premise is "Yeah you're cool but you kinda want a serious thingy and I kinda want to do drugs all night and get wasted and eat bacon so let's have sex and don't be surprised if I don't text you later, cool? K."

What happened to songs that had a purpose? Like Cryin' by Aerosmith was about a confusing, unhealthy relationship or New Order's True Faith which was a compelling artistry about a man's struggles with his sexuality.

I'm getting sick of your dumb sh*t people. And that includes you, Jo-Bros.

Why couldn't you just metaphorically die like New Kids On The Block or BackStreet Boys?

So after all these years,

Kevin has finally won me over.



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